why cant i just do it

tuesday i did well. i had a protein shake in the morning, i had tuna sashimi and brocolli for lunch, and i had a humus roll and tea for dinner. i ran 12 minutes in the morning ( yes that is how long i could last ) and did 45 minutes of cardio in the afternoon and 1 hour of pilates. i felt weak, i felt hungry, and it was awesome, i felt like i was finally doing something i recognized and i mean when i weighed myself on wednesday it had worked! but then what do i do on wednesday? i binge. and i didn't purge i just binnggeeddd. i had ritz crackers with cream cheese, 2 kolaches, granola with yoghurt and a whole container of cool whip fat free, i had about 40 special k crackers with humus, and then i had more granola. oh yeah, and the taco and nachos from taco cabanna. i only ate the taco and like 5 chips from the nachos the rest i left and my dog ate them lol while i went to my room and felt fucking obese as hell and tried to fall asleep...can't do that again i dont want my dog to eat that crap !!! haha im really disappointed in myself. i'm the heaviest i've been in a long time and i've been thinking about food more and more. i just really need to learn to be able to say STOP RIGHT NOW. yesterday when i was driving to taco cabana i remember saying that to myself, please camille turn around! please! i didn't feel hungry. i think i was more thirsty and needed to go to the bathroom...instead i ate. what the hell!? somehow i'm going to be able to do this, by summer i want to be back at a good weight that i like but i can't do it the wrong way, because then i'll always be eating the wrong way and i'll eventually gain all this fucking disgusting weight back. i went to a website that you enter how many calories you plan on having a day and how much exercise you plan on doing a week and it tells you how much weight you'll lose every month....if i only allow myself 1000 calories a day and pretty much work out atleast 5 times a week i can lose 9 pounds a month. I want to lose 40 pounds, so thats 5 months right? may be a little less. so by june- july I can be at 135ish! and thats right before i leave for utah and in utah i'll have more peace of mind because i'll just be working and then i won't be sitting around trying to binge. and i plan on walking around the city as much as i can so i don't sit in my hotel room or whereever i'll be staying and think about eating because i have nothing else to do. no. i want to be able to see my ribs again, i miss my concave stomach. i really do have to take it one day at a time. i've been making to do lists that have been helping me kind of keep track of shit i need to do and stop like just sleeping all day to avoid taking care of business. i'm about to go walk my dog and then i'm going to go run for 12-20 minutes, as long as i can. wish me luck you guys. i already had my muscle milk light protein shake, and i probably will only be having shakes, and may be sashimi for the next couple days. pleasse please keep me in your thoughts, i need support, i need help, or else i'm going to get as fat as i ever was and just be so ugly and miserable, please please help me.

binging

so i've been trying to read proanorexia sites to get back into the mentality I once was in when I was in highschool, for some reason back then...i'd lose weight so easy. I really believe my mind was perfect because I could actually do it. starve myself all day, skip meals. now its like the total opposite. i binge. and now because im on prozac i rarely purge and its fucking pissing me off!!! today i weighed myself. 177! I want to be back to 130. everyone hated me, and i still thought i was fat. god, i wish i could just go back in time and see what i looked like. it would make me the happiest i've been in a long time. i am addicted to food, when i used to be addicted to skipping food. i used to play sports, so may be that had to do with why i looked so good back then too. i've been trying to get my mind ready and in the mindset to lose this weight but i cant. i have nightmares everynight about gaining/losing weight. failing at it. i keep dreaming about my ex in south america and i'm sick of it! i swear i hate him! i wish i never met him, because i truly believe him breaking up with me started this whole mess of shit for me. i dont want to hit rock bottom again. i always use excuses like oh well people say if you skip meals you hold on to the fat, i'll slow my already slow metabilism cant do that, i make up excuses to binge and it has GOT TO STOP. I know after one week it will be so easy, i just need to get through one week. i can't even give myself that? i'm so sick of this! i've got to do something. i'm going to go run. i am going to become obsessed with denying myself food. thats the only way i'll conquer the demon inside my head that thinks eating is the solution to everything. ITS NOT!!!!!!!